Flat-Chested

   It's almost been two weeks since my surgery, and I'm feeling a lot better. I haven't needed any painkillers the past few days (even for the chest pain!). The surgery went well and I got out of the hospital Wednesday afternoon. There was some strange swelling on the left side, so I saw the doctor Friday to get it checked out, but they said it was just the tubing inside from the drain (gross). I saw the doctor again Wednesday to get the two drains taken out. Everything's kind of numb in my chest area, and I didn't have those terrible shooting pains from the lymph node surgery this time, so the drains were much easier to manage, but I was still glad to have them out. I ditched the uncomfortable hospital/surgical bra as soon as I could and I've been wearing the As Seen On TV Genie Bra because they had an extra-small that actually fits. It's almost just as hard to find bras now. I'm somewhere between the little girls and the juniors, but most of them come built-in pockets with padding. Our society's obsession with big boobs and oversexualization of pre-teens are working in my favor. Walmart even has $5 "water pads" next to the Buty Pant butt-enhancing panties. While I opted to skip the padded underwear, those cheap bra pads are good enough to make me look a little less like a flat-chested twelve year old.
   I saw Dr. K today for a follow-up. She ripped the steri-strips off both sides, but thankfully I couldn't really feel it. That swelling never really went away, so she just sucked it out with a syringe. Again, happily still numb! It's definitely flatter now, but I forgot to ask about the other swollen part at the top. Hopefully that's not just leftover skin... Everything else looks really good, completely flat and the incisions are very thin, even though each one goes from the middle of my chest up into my armpit. I think she did a great job.
   She gave me a copy of the pathology report, and said everything was fine with the surgery. The chemo obviously worked because the tumor went down from 2 cm to 0.6 cm. When I got home and looked over the report, I realized I don't know what any of it means, but Wikipedia's super helpful. Overall, I had a grade of 1 which is the lowest (and best). Tubular differentiation had a score of 3, which isn't good, but nuclear pleomorphism was only 1 and mitotic count was only 1. Nothing was found on the left side, except that fibroadenoma. While Kyle jokingly said it was a waste of a good boob, I feel better knowing I have almost no breast tissue left to form new cancer cells. Plus, they're a pair anyway; I'd rather be flat-chested on both sides than lopsided.
   Dr. K also went over some massages for my arm when I asked for a new referral for a lymphedema physical therapist. I mentioned the arm pain to the oncologist a few months ago, and they said it was lymphedema, which is why I thought it was a lymphedema... And my right hand is noticeably swollen compared to my left. She said lymphedema doesn't hurt though, it's just the swelling. She thinks it's just the muscles in my arm and I must've overused or underused that arm after the first surgery. She said to keep it elevated above my heart whenever I have a chance, and showed me the massages for both the lymphedema and for my muscle aches. If I'm still having issues in two weeks and want to see a physical therapist, she said to call. Otherwise, I'll see her in six weeks to make sure everything's doing okay. She also asked when I wanted to get the port out, but considering this is my THIRD one now, I'm going to hold onto it for as long as possible. Once I'm done with treatments with the oncologist, it'll need to be flushed every three months to keep it functional. She said they could take it right out in their office instead of dealing with all the hospital stuff. Very different from the last two ports...
   I have an appointment with Dr. B from radiation oncology tomorrow for another consultation. My chest pain finally went away (after seven weeks), but I really don't want to get radiation if it's going to aggravate it in the future. I guess we'll see what she says tomorrow.
   As for the official weight for my boobs: the right one was 439 grams and the left was 427 grams. Less than a pound each! I was expecting heavier.

Done!

...with chemo at least.
   No Taxol #12 this week. The numbness has stayed about the same, but he kept asking if I was having pains in my fingers, as if that was going to determine whether or not I had the last treatment. Then again, for the last 6 weeks, he kept asking if I was still able to button buttons and tie shoelaces without problems (two completely avoidable tasks) as if THAT would determine whether to continue treatments. He did acknowledge the issues I've been having typing on my phone or a keyboard for the past few weeks (much more important!).
   Thankfully, he let me stop so I'm officially done with chemo! And I'm two weeks out from the last treatment, so I've been feeling much better. I even got on my exercise bike last night, since my legs were already sore (thanks to a combination of six months of not moving, some leftover Taxol side effects, and those flu-like symptoms associated with Herceptin). But after about 20 minutes, my feet went numb. So I'm really glad we didn't push those last two Taxols. Hopefully all this numbness and tingling will start to go away, along with these other crappy side effects. My skin's started cracking and peeling because it's so dry. I'm still waiting for my constantly runny/bloody nose to get better. The hair on my head's definitely grown out at least an inch, but it's mostly on the top and in the back. My forehead looks huge now because most of the hair in the front has thinned or fallen out. I still haven't shaved my armpits or my legs in weeks, which is nice and all, but my eyebrows are disappearing too, so I could use some hair growth. My chest pain mostly went away last week, but in the last few days, my shoulder starting hurting again, but this time on the left side. I've been popping ibuprofen and that seems to help.
   The nurses printed off a copy of my blood counts (since I actually remembered this time), and they're slowly going back up. My hemoglobin was 9.7 and platelets went up to 127 (almost normal). But then I noticed the "Gender" on the printout says "Male". I know I don't have as many female hormones running through my body anymore and I'm about to get my boobs cut off, but seriously? They fixed it right away, but I wonder how long it's been like that and if it's affected anything...
   I also called Dr. K's office last week to reschedule my surgery. It's now for Tuesday, March 20, and I have a pre-op appointment in two weeks for any last-minute questions. I really don't think it'll be that bad, since they aren't ripping out any lymph nodes this time, and especially in comparison to six months of chemo hell (most of which is a blur thankfully). I'm just ready to be done with all this.
   I'm still getting the Herceptin, but now it's every three weeks, so my next appointment isn't for a while. My next MUGA heart scan is scheduled for February 6th. Speaking of never-ending appointments, we had to reschedule the one for the dogs, but Zeus hasn't been chewing on his feet lately, and instead has been getting into the trash and tearing everything up to occupy himself. Guess that's a trade-off?
   And Skye's still fat.

Skipped Taxol #11

    Treatments 7-10 of Taxol were pretty boring, just the usual tiredness and some numbness in my fingers. But last week sucked. I started to get some chest pains Saturday. No worries because it only hurt if I breathed or moved, not that I need to do those things on a regular basis. I popped some Tylenol and ibuprofen which is what the doctor told me to do when I had chest pain from the Neulasta shots. It helped a little, but it got a lot worse the next day, so I started taking Vicodin leftover from my surgery. Apparently Vicodin and Benadryl are two drugs that no longer help me sleep.
    I called the doctor Monday, since it had only gotten worse and the Vicodin was just making me feel sick. They ordered some kind of CT scan on my chest for later that day. When we got there, the nurses asked if there were any chance I could be pregnant. Doesn't anyone watch "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"? Even though I had a whole list of evidence of why I SHOULDN'T be pregnant, they got really worried when I said I couldn't remember the date of my last period (thanks chemo!), so worried in fact that they almost wouldn't let me do the chest scan. Really? They were more concerned about a nonexistent fetus with a chemo-induced tail than the fact that I was having severe chest pains and needed a scan to make sure I didn't have a life-threatening problem with my lungs that would have killed the fetus anyway? Good to know the medical community's priorities when it comes to women of childbearing age.
    When I FINALLY convinced them that NO I'm not pregnant, they gave me an IV to insert the dye for the scan. I asked if they could use my port, but they said it had to be a "Power Port" and I had to have a card identifying it. Funny because when I asked about the three little alien bumps coming out of my skin above the port, they said it was like that so other facilities could use it too (easily identifiable). I'll ask the doctor about it next week. Instead, the nurses had to do an IV in my arm, and she so kindly told me, since the dye goes in really fast, they have to use a larger needle. Sweet. But even better when was they put the dye in later, and they warned me that it'll make me feel really warm and like I've peed my pants. "Warm" was an understatement, but it was a really strange feeling. Luckily, the scan itself only took a few minutes. They sent the results to Dr. C and sent me back out to the waiting room. Then they came back out to tell us to go home, everything was normal on the scan. Ok, but my chest still hurt?
    So I toughed it out that night and the next morning. Then I had a really bad wave of nausea and dizziness and heat hit me on the way to the hospital for my appointment. That combined with the severe pain in my chest and not being able to breathe was super fun. Thankfully the doctor has some sense and wasn't going to try to give me chemo that day, but I think it was more due to the numbness in my fingers than the chest pain. But I would've flipped out if he had tried. I think my body has maxed out on chemo at this point. He has no idea what's going on with my chest pain, because everything seemed normal. I think the chest pain's just the same thing I've had multiple times before (costochondritis) and the stress of six months of chemo made it worse. I asked the doctor if it is the same problem as before, won't radiation make it worse? He said it's just a "necessary evil" and that I'll basically just have to deal with it. Then again, he's not in charge of radiation, so I'll discuss it with the radiation oncologist before they start zapping me. For now, he told me to take some ibuprofen and see if that helps. It's definitely helping more than the Vicodin did.
    Besides the crappy week from the chest pain, my fingers and toes have just gotten worse. I noticed within the last week that when I start walking sometimes, both my feet will hurt and tingle a little. And when I dried my hands on a towel, I noticed my palms really tickled, but not in a good way. My fingertips feel really dry and puffy and it's way more noticeable all the time now instead of just when I use them. So I might be done with chemo. We'll see next week if the numbness is any better and if I can get the last treatment. I asked if the chemo'll be any less effective by stopping early, but since I've had 10 out of 12 treatments, Dr. C says it should be fine at this point. Plus, I'm kind of sick of chemo. I just got the Herceptin yesterday. We were out of there within 45 minutes of seeing the doctor. Good thing, because having an appointment after 9 means they run out of seats. Even though the Herceptin alone should be nothing compared to chemo, my lower legs and the top of my feet really hurt last night, so I guess muscle aches are still a problem.
    I also told the doctor I think I'm having hot flashes, and he said it's likely the chemo's put me in menopause and my ovaries have stopped functioning (even though my mother didn't believe that we both could be having hot flashes). That would explain the missing period. I noticed a few weeks ago I'd randomly get really hot at night, but I thought it was just because our second-floor bedroom is a furnace. But then it started happening in the middle of the day too. For someone who's usually cold ALL THE TIME, random waves of heat are kind of alarming, and then afterward, I'm even colder.
    On my To Do list: I'll need to have another MUGA scan to make sure the Herceptin isn't ruining my heart, call Dr. K to reschedule my surgery to an earlier date, call Tricare to fix their stuff as usual, pass the first round of tests coming up in my freshman-level classes, and buy some 100% cotton sheets.

Five Weeks Left of Chemo

   Taxol #6 was last week. For some reason, my fingers suddenly stopped feeling all tingly, and the numbness seemed to have leveled off, so I might end up doing all/most of the Taxol treatments after all. My platelets were pretty low last week though, around 60, so Dr. C was a little worried about that.
   I met with the breast surgeon for a pre-op appointment last Wednesday. All she wanted me to do was sign a paper basically. She went over all my options again. I told her the plastic surgeon said I couldn't get an implant on the right side since I'll be doing radiation, but she says that's not true. Okay? ...But the plastic surgeon she referred me to, who shares her office, refuses to do it. She also said that moving the fat alone from my stomach into boobs wouldn't work because you need the blood supply provided by a muscle. Otherwise you just have "dead fat" hanging there. Good mental image. Either way, I told her I don't like the ideas of sacrificing muscles for boobs, having foreign objects in my chest for the rest of my life, or, more importantly, extra and unnecessary surgeries at this point. She pointed out that having a mastectomy on the left side could be considered "unnecessary". Except let's remember that my breast tissue is potentially deadly and leaving any of it attached to my body does not seem like a good idea. And that's really the best argument she could come up with to try to convince me to get immediate reconstruction? I can personally live with my decision (and will probably live longer because of it), it's the rest of the society that seems to have a problem with me going boobless. As of now, my surgery's scheduled for April 10th if everything goes according to plan (ha).
   I had Taxol #7 yesterday. My platelets and hemoglobin are looking better. Dr. C said he can't even feel the tumor at this point, just some "thickening" from the biopsy. He asked if the breast surgeon examined me and was surprised she didn't. So I took the opportunity to ask him if my ribs would be sticking out once my boobs are gone. Apparently they won't because they leave the muscle intact in today's modified radical mastectomy. Good to know. Kind of wish the surgeon had gone over some of this, except I was at a blank when she asked if I had any questions.
   My mom came up to visit last week and cleaned the house for us (thanks Mommy!), even though she might have been trying to kill the dogs by using toxic chemicals to scrub the floors. I almost killed them myself earlier when they escaped out the front door, which was the fault of the HVAC guys who just stood there like idiots with the door wide open as the dogs took off. Luckily Kyle came home for lunch right as Zeus was taking a dump in the neighbor's yard and snatched him up mid-poop. When the guys were leaving, I asked what we could do to make the downstairs warmer, and they gave me another stupid look and asked if I'd gotten a letter from housing saying when the maintenance guys were coming. I thought THEY were the maintenance guys! I have no clue who these men were that I let into my house and the real maintenance people never even showed up. And I'm pretty sure the heat's broken now because the house is freezing.
   Very frustrating day. And to top it off, the numbness/tingling in my fingers seems to be coming back, making it painful and irritating to do schoolwork. And the new hair that's been growing on my head since I finished the Cytoxan is starting to fall out. It's about an inch long all over, so this is pretty depressing. I should've seen this coming though since my eyebrows are still pretty sparse and I mysteriously haven't needed to shave my armpits for weeks. Thankfully only five more weeks of chemo.

Not So Boring Update

   I got Taxol #5 today. I'm supposed to have 7 left, but since my fingers are getting worse, I might not be able to finish all 12 treatments. If they're still worse next week, Dr. C says we're going to stop the Taxol altogether and switch the Herceptin to every 3 weeks instead of weekly. This would also bump up my potential surgery date to February instead of the end of March. I have an appointment with the surgeon January 19th, but they might call me if something sooner opens up. AND this would mean I could potentially finish radiation before  graduation (May 12th) instead of trying to schedule around it. I really wouldn't mind finishing chemo "early" because it generally makes me feel like crap, but I also need to make sure I do as much as I can this time to prevent this from happening again. Dr. C says it's about balance, and the numbness in my fingers might never get better so we don't want it to get any worse. So we'll see what happens next week.